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| eKibitz » Inspiration Self-Help » Lessons From An iPod Finding Yourself |  |
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The First Step In A Journey To Self By: Deborah D. Gillespie I am not capable of thinking for myself. There, I said it. After 35 years of life I realize that I have been unable to think for myself all along. After three children and two divorces I have come to the realization that I know not where I am going... or even where I want to be. I am not able to say that I would like to be employed as a [insert something meaningful here], or that I would like to live in a place with a [insert something interesting here] or that I would like to find a mate who enjoys [insert something I would enjoy here]. Even as I sit here typing out this realization, I am unable to fill in these blanks. I have no idea! I am lost. I spent my childhood having every word I uttered, and every action I took, dictated, and I do mean dictated, by an abnormally controlling mother. She would literally tell me what stories I should tell others, and what I shouldn't. She told me what to wear, how to think, when to speak, how to behave, even what lies to tell to support her own warped reality. At age 15 she told me to breakup with my first and only boyfriend and to accept the marriage proposal of another. Living in the controlled environment that I had been in, all of my life, and understanding the abuse that resulted if I did not complete each command brought down on me (use your imagination and then triple it), I learned early on to do as others expected of me and never as I myself felt I should do. Not surprisingly, my first marriage, that began with me at age fifteen and him at age seventeen, failed. Of course, it didn't fail until after I gave birth to three wonderful children by the time I turned eighteen, quitting high school in the first year, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and enduring 11 years of verbal and physical abuse between two people who lacked far too much in the level of maturity that should be required prior to entering into a lifelong commitment. The kind of maturity that can only come from proper parenting and experiencing more of life itself before entering the world of marriage. One would think that ending up a single mother of three by age 26 would be all that is required for her to finally find herself, find independence, and to ultimately or at minimum, learn to think for herself. Unfotunately, that was not the case for me. My second husband did a wonderful job of saving me. He was not violent like the first nor was he a drug or alcohol user. He was a good man in my eyes. A loving man and he was a far better father than the first. To maintain my relationship with him I learned to like the things he liked, to dream his dreams, to think his thoughts, to feel his feelings, most importantly to react as he expected me to react. I supported his lies wonderfully. I always made him out to better than he was. I hid his faults. I did so well that I myself became blinded to the reality. The reality that we were nothing alike. That everyday was a lie. That his musical tastes gave me a headache. That his adventure-seeking self scared the life out of me. That half of the things he thought I was educated in I was clueless about and sadly, that he was a horrible father. It is true that he never laid a hand on the children or I in an angry way, but he also rarely did it in a loving way. He ignored our needs and desires for 8 years. He only attended to himself and when things were not going his way he would throw childish fits until they did. One day we both realized how different and ultimately unsatisfied with the relationship we both were. Thus, it failed. After 8 years of service, it was over. However, this time, I had no backup plan. No one to run to. No one to hide behind. No one to save me. This time, I really was a single mother of three. I was alone. So here I sit. 35 years old without a clue. I spent my childhood pretending to like the music my mother told me to like. Then I spent my young adult years pretending to like the music of my first husband and finally the last 8 years of my life pretending to like the music of my second husband. It obviously isn't just about music... but all things that define a person. For me, that meant being whatever those around me were. I, to date, had always defined myself as whatever I thought the other person needed me to be. Now I find myself without another person available to define me. Now I know not who I am. Thanks to my iPod, and a rather large collection of music, I have come to the realization that I am unable to think for myself. I am unable to feel for myself. I have no idea what I like or what I dislike. I do not know where I am going and I barely know anything about where I have been. I am lost. Thankfully, these realizations have caused me to feel something. Something I have never felt before. The realization that I have no self is the exact thing I needed to begin finding myself. Thanks to my overloaded iPod I am beginning to think, to feel, and to ponder what I want to do next. What are my own goals and why? It may not seem like much, but today is the day I will delete music that I do not like and begin creating my very own "Favorites" list. This is the first step in my journey to self. I am no longer able to play your music for you. I must now play my own selection so that I too can feel the emotion of the song... my own emotion. Today I will decide, for myself, what I myself want to hear. I also intend to play my music loud enough for others to hear and if they do not like it, I will be ok with the knowledge that they have their own music to listen to, and if they do like it, I will be thankful for the opportunity to share a piece of myself, whomever that might be, with someone else - for a change.
Last Modified: August 6th, 2006
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